Alright, so here's the truth: I've fallen off the blogging, because I've fallen off the healthy lifestyle wagon. My fears were confirmed, or maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. As soon as I moved into my new place, and school started, and choirs started, the stress mounted and I stopped trying. I have become lazy, soaking up any free time I have by just sitting. I have consoled my nerves and stress levels with food and stillness. I will not sit here and write that today is where I make the change, because that would be a lie. I have not weighed myself in the past month, probably. The last time I did, I had managed to not gain, but I hadn't lost either. I'm quite certain I have now gained back, most, if not all of the few pounds I had managed to lose. There you have it. My willpower has officially left the building, and I have no idea when it will return. This has always been my struggle. I kick off a plan, I do really well for a couple months, and just when the pounds start to melt off, and a normal person would be inspired by it and continue to work, I quit. So, audience, if there is one, I ask for your help and support. I honestly don't know what it will take for me to whip myself into obedience. Ideas? I'm open to ANY!
I have weighed myself, and for the first time, I will put that number on the screen. *sigh* Here goes....on Saturday, September 29th of 2012 at 3:27 in the afternoon, in all my naked, busty glory, I officially weigh 189.6 pounds. Honestly, I'm surprisingly pleased with this number. I thought for sure I would be back in the upper 190s, which is where I started when I began this blog. Last winter, the scale hit 200 and I just about lost my head. I cried, for days, because I was not sure what to do. In the spring, in a desperate attempt, I actually started taking CTS 360. I am not ashamed, because when that didn't seem to do anything, I realized I was going to have to do this the old fashioned way - with good ol' work, sweat and calorie counting. Damn!
Here's the real crux of this issue...I'm lonely. I have been single for many years, with only a couple short-lived relationships in the middle of it, and I'm done with it. I would like to have a companion. I would like to be someone who walks through the grocery store and turns the heads of men of all ages. I would like to grab a guy's attention with my looks, only to have him realize that I also have depth, and wit, and can hold his attention and affection for longer than one night. I would like to have the confidence to TRUST when a guy says he finds me beautiful. Sadly, this has not been the case. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a catch. But I know that because I love who I am on the inside. I believe that I am a good, no, GREAT match for someone special. Unfortunately, it's a rather physical world we live in, and somehow, I have to actually catch someone's attention before they can see the rest of it. So...that's where I currently stand - somewhere in the middle of wanting and having a life.
Ok...enough soul searching, for now. On to something completely unrelated - this weekend is for crafting! My best friend is having a baby, I'm throwing her a shower, and I have a baby blanket to make. I found a couple tutorials this morning (while lazily staying in bed) that will hopefully create a really cute, easy receiving blanket. I bought some really cute fabric, actually meant for my now two year old nephew, and I will begin that as soon as I'm done. I'm actually a little nervous, because I've never sewed anything (besides hems) on my own before. My mom has always helped me. But, I will be brave and just figure it out. (Maybe on some other fabric first. :) )
